I’ll never forget her

Following my procedure to have my pregnancy removed – I still haven’t found a nice way to say that, not sure there is one – they tested the embryo to see if they could help with our ongoing battle to get pregnant.  I received the letter out of the blue at the end of January.  It was a girl.  I don’t know why but I wasn’t expecting that piece of information.  It really knocked me for six.  The letter also said that there was no evidence of trisomy 15, 18 or 21.  So no more answers unfortunately.  They are waiting for further test results but I haven’t heard anything more yet.

Telling my husband it was a girl was really difficult.  As the person in the relationship who gets pregnant I had been thinking positively and listening to conception related meditations from word go and when we heard there was a fetus this time I felt that this really was our baby.  Whilst my husband was positive too I think once it went wrong he protected himself by thinking of our baby as cells rather than a baby, I can understand why.  But on hearing it was a little girl it made it real for him.  It was horrible and has introduced new things that upset us both.  We were clearing out a room recently and found my old doll, I loved her so much when I was little and maybe she would have loved her too.  Having said that, I’m glad we know.  As my friend said, ‘You’ll never forget her’, I found real comfort in that.

It made it more real for my family too.  I think they had been in the same boat as Mr TY, but again this made it real.  In a way that helped me feel less alone.  That makes me sad for me last year when there was no fetus and for all those people who lose their babies early without knowing.  It doesn’t make it any less of a loss.  My heart goes out to you all.



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