On your marks…

After a three week hiatus waiting for my immune test results I heard from the clinic on Tuesday that I’ve got the all clear. We’re going to the ARCG because they do lots of tests the NHS don’t and we’re hoping to get answers. But this answer seems almost unsatisfactory which is ridiculous. It’s not that I want to have an immune system that fights conception and pregnancy but finding out that it’s not the reason we haven’t conceived, or gone to term one time, leaves us back where we started – unexplained infertility.

On the bright side, because there definitely is one, it means I don’t have to have any additional medication and it also means we can get on with our IVF cycle sooner, well immediately. Having ovulated today I’m back at the clinic for blood tests on Tuesday. I’m having the long protocol as that yielded a good egg collection last time so I’ll start my down regs in the next week or so I think.

I’m excited to finally get started again. It feels right after everything that has happened recently (going off sick from work, then finally resigning) I feel like I can completely focus on the treatment, give it everything I’ve got.

I am nervous though. By Christmas we’ll have an answer. That scares me, but at least we’ll know one way or the other.

So, here goes everything. Wish me luck!

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Happy(?) Birthday

I recently ‘celebrated’ my birthday. 37. Wow. Not quite sure how I got there. The interesting thing though is that the age seemed to wash over me. This is unusual given that I was so against growing up when I was younger I resisted wearing my first bra until I absolutely had to. Growing older is not something I’m generally happy to give in to. But this time I didn’t even question the age, it was having a birthday at all that was the problem. Put simply I just don’t have any joy in my life at the moment and having to feel happy about something, having lots of people wish me ‘Happy’ birthday just seemed ridiculous. As far as I was concerned the only point of my birthday this year was to have a benchmark to what is happening in my life on my birthday next year. It can’t be any worse can it!? Surely.

My poor family and friends, I told them all this and explained that I didn’t want cards that said ‘Happy’ Birthday, I’m such a misery!

My poor husband too, I think he was really worried, he wanted me to have a nice day, as did everyone else. And you know what, even though I fought it, I had a lovely day. It was good because of the small stuff. I had lots of cards to open. My husband made me breakfast. Then we pottered around the shops and received such wonderful customer service in one particular shop that it completely made my day.

I even had Happy Birthday sung to me by my family and managed to take it graciously. It reminded me I need to be thankful of what I do have. A wonderful family who all care about me. Great friends who are always thinking of me. An amazing husband who would do anything for me. I can only hope that on my next birthday (and on lots of unbirthdays in the meantime too) that I remember this and am grateful. (Gosh, this is me gushing!)

So, even if it’s just an excuse to get together and eat chocolate cake guilt free, it’s worth having a birthday. Belated or advanced ‘Happy’ Birthdays to everyone going through fertility treatment. It may not be the happiest but may it remind you that there are good times, even small, all around, every day.